so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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