Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
