Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
