True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
