Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
