I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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