I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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