Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
