According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
