The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
