I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
