Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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