Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
