I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
