There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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