we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
