Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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