the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
