take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize