I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
