someone owes me an orgasm
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
