Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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