i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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