Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
