I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
