If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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