Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
