I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
