hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
