i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
