based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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