The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize