Will you blow on my dice?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
