I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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