I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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