Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize