No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
