apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize