im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
