I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
