She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
