Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
