..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
