Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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