Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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