so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
