I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This baby is an asshole
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
