I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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