Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
