This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
