I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
