You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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