Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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