if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
