Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
