It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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